Accepting Comfort & Encouragement

When someone has never lost a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth, or has a completely different story than ours, it can sometimes feel like no one is saying the right thing ... doing "enough" ... understanding us ... or offering the kind of comfort we so desperately crave.

The truth is, just as every person grieves differently, so every person comforts in a way that makes sense to them. Their motives are pure. They simply want to make our pain go away and bring joy back into our lives. Sometimes it works, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it just seems ridiculous.
They may fumble and bumble their way through, but it is far better to have someone trying to offer love, support, and comfort than to be forgotten or ignored in your time of deep sorrow.
Accept their efforts with grace, and let the Lord fill in the gaps.


So let them.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15

❧ No one connected with your baby like you did. They never saw/touched/played with him/her. As the mom, your bond is priceless, personal, and private. No one will ever love or care for your baby like you do. And therefore, they will never feel the emptiness the way you do.

❧ You need to find a handful of people you trust to say "Please ask me how I am doing. Do not worry about my response. If I cry, I needed to cry. It’s okay."

❧ Those who have never lost a baby are at a complete loss of what to do/say. Let them try, and accept their attempts with gentleness. They are doing the best they can.

❧ Some of your friends, even your own family, will not meet your needs, whether by choice or by neglect.
You must choose: express that you are hurt and need them, or let it go.
The longer you try to live in the middle, the more frustrated and hurt you will become. Your heart has enough work to do to heal itself. It does not need bitterness to take root, causing confusion, discontentment, or hatred. No one is perfect, and everyone needs grace. Be honest, be patient, and seek to understand before walking away angry.
You cannot be alone right now. You need people. Even imperfect ones.

❧ Be willing to be vulnerable and honest and say, "I need to talk about my son." "I need you to ask about my daughter." No one can read your mind. Vulnerability must be exercised so those who love you know you need them. Your husband. Your sister. Your best friend. They will not know what you need or how to minister to you unless you tell them.

❧ There is no rule book for grief.
Whether you lost your baby at five weeks or 35 weeks, your child is gone. Your pain is real.
It does not matter if anyone else approves or understands. If your heart heals in one weekend or you cry every day for a year, it is what you need to do. Do not be afraid of emotion. The Lord knows your every thought and He sees each tear that falls. Cry out to Him. Forget about everyone and everything else and listen to His voice. The still, small voice full of promises and truth.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18