Melissa
Samantha, my number 4, my daughter - the one
who changed me forever as a wife, mom, sister, and friend.
At my 5 month check-up for Samantha, I learned the
baby had no heartbeat. This was a
complete shock to me. I hadn’t been feeling any pain nor had any signs of a
miscarriage. I had been blessed with three easy
pregnancies to date and this just seemed to be another one. I was numb when I found out and cried like I
had never before - I was broken, scared, and in complete sadness. I was scheduled to go to the hospital to have a stillbirth. The next 48 hours were filled with emotions
I cannot describe. Perhaps the hardest was to share the unexpected news with
family and friends. And, packing for the hospital knowing I would be delivering my baby but
not being able to bring her home. I
didn’t want to have to go through it.
The wait was hard.
After almost ten hours of labor, Baby Samantha’s
body arrived on February 5, 2010 at 7pm. She was 3.9oz and 14 cm long - like a
little doll, just precious as can be with ten little fingers and toes. I was anxious to see and hold her, yet I didn’t want to. When I finally got the courage to do so, I fell in love and had an overwhelming feeling of missing
her. Even though she was in my arms, I
knew at that moment she was already in a better place and had a Father taking
care of her better than I ever could. We held her until about 11pm. At that time we placed her in a beautiful
paper mache casket. My husband and the
nurse took her to a safe place until we decided where her burial would be.
The support we received from family and friends was
amazing. We were so blessed and touched by the love shown to us. Our hearts were filled with gratefulness;
however the most wonderful gift I received through Samantha was experiencing
God’s abundant love for me. When I was
alone at the doctor’s office, it was His peace that gave me comfort. It is the promises in His Word that encourage
me. He is God of the universe yet I am His beloved, I am His, He loves me, He
desires the best for me. His ways are not our ways, but His Love endures
forever. Although Samantha never lived
life here on earth, there is story after story of how the Lord used her short
life to change others. I miss my
Samantha dearly, every day I think of her, and sometimes the tears still flow.
Every night when I go to sleep I hold on to a little beanie just like the one
she was wearing when I held her last.
She will always be a treasure in my heart. The Lord has been faithful and I will continue to Praise Him all the days of my life, until the Lord
calls me home too.
Kelsi
I was 16 1/2
weeks pregnant with my second child when I nervously sat in the doctor’s office
watching him search for a heartbeat.
Having had two miscarriages before, I knew that this was always a
possibility, but I was supposed to be in the “safe zone”. My heart began to pound a bit faster as the
doctor continued to circle my stomach searching through the static for that
precious sound of life. After assuring
me that the baby was probably just in a bad position, he sent me to the
ultra-sound room.
The
nurse arrived and began the ultrasound.
She remained silent and then left the room. I knew at that moment. I don’t remember the rest of the
appointment. I don’t even remember who
said the actual words to me or how they said it. I just remember being led down the back halls crying inconsolably.
The next morning
I woke up unknowingly in labor. I
delivered our baby boy at home. It was
emotionally the hardest thing I had ever been through. I stared at this little baby, sobbing as I
counted his fingers, and his toes. I
looked at his not yet opened eyes, his ears, and thought he looked
perfect. There was nothing wrong with
him… why? What happened? What went wrong? What did I do wrong? Did I miss my vitamins too often? Did I exercise too much? Was the Lord punishing me? Had there been something physically wrong
with our baby? I had so many questions
that I wanted answered.
The first days
were so hard. Normally I had considered
myself a “strong” person, but the tears and questions would not stop. Feeling foolish for my emotions and trying to
be strong I remember telling my dad that “I know God has a plan for this” and
the feeling of relief that came over me with his response. “I know that you know that and we know that
He does, but you don’t have to say that right now. You are allowed to grieve.”
While I still grieved, I had gone
from questions and anger to a complete peace that I knew could come only from
the Lord.
I didn’t know
why it had happened. I didn’t know what
the Lord had planned, but I did know that He was there and He would not give me
more than I could handle. I began to see
all the areas in which He had been there for me and I began thanking Him.
I thanked Him
for allowing me to see that our baby’s
heart was not beating before I gave birth.
I thanked Him for allowing my
husband to be with me.
I thanked Him for allowing me to see my baby boy and have that memory
that I have carried through every pregnancy since. I thanked Him for a loving,
compassionate husband and family and friends who surrounded me with love and
prayer. I thanked Him for our healthy
son. Later I thanked Him for my
daughter. I can’t imagine life without her and I
realize that I would not have her if we had not lost our boy.
I thank the Lord
that I have a child in Heaven right now, in God’s glory. I have
thanked Him for every healthy heart beat, every ultra sound, and for every
pregnancy appointment whether I have to wait 10 minutes or two hours to see my
doctor.
I also praised Him for a reason that I have never shared for fear of what people would think. Not knowing His purpose, but knowing that trials and tribulation grow us closer to God and build our maturity and endurance in Him, I thanked Him for taking my unborn son and not my two-year old to teach me and accomplish this. It is scary to admit how weak I am.
“For as we share
abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in
comfort too.” 2 Corinthians 1:5
Five and a half years have passed since that morning. I don’t mourn the day. I don’t remember it with sadness. If I share my story with tears it is not
because I grieve but because I rejoice.
I am not strong. The Lord is my
strength. He used that moment to forever
change my life, forever change my relationship with Him and forever change my
passion for children and the blessings that they are. For all of these reasons I rejoice and thank
the Lord.
"Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord!" Psalm 130:1
“There is no cry so good as that which comes from the bottom of the mountains, no prayer half so hearty as that which comes up from the depths of the soul, through deep trials and afflictions. They bring us to God and we are happier; for nearness to God is happiness. Come troubled believer, do not fret over your heavy troubles, for they are the heralds of weighty mercies.”- Charles Spurgeon
Lauren
When my husband and I married we knew we wanted to have
children and probably would not wait very long after getting married to do so.
Eleven months after we were married we were pregnant. I was excited to be pregnant but always prepared myself for a
miscarriage since it seemed so common in my family and friends. I had not
seen the doctor yet and already was in excruciating pain and figured I would
miscarry. Much to my surprise, in the
hospital emergency room I learned I was not going to miscarry but I was
going to have twins! I saw my doctor and he reiterated that it is early
and the possibility of losing one or both was still there. I prepared myself
for that.
On April 13th I was up early sitting on our recliner when I felt a commotion inside of me. The boys often kicked each other but this was different. After that no one moved for the rest of the night. I was concerned but I had an appointment later that day. I went in and watched as the doctor tried to find the two boys on the ultra sound. I clearly saw one with a beating heart and the other without. The doctor wrote in my file and turned around and said “I have bad news.”
I spent the next 9 days in the hospital waiting to deliver
my boys. I prayed the entire time for a miracle. I had daily ultrasounds that reinforced that my
son was not alive but confirmed that my other son was. I was told that my
surviving son’s condition would be unknown until after delivery.
On April 22, 2009 I delivered Cole, my 7lb 9oz 21 inch long
very alive baby boy, and Caleb my 5lb 19 inch very still baby boy. I heard Cole
crying - I knew they were taking him out - and began to pray for Caleb to cry.
He never did. A very gentle nurse introduced us to Caleb explaining that he was
beautiful and had some skin slippage from the beginnings of decomposition. I
could see the doctors thumb print on his cheek and he was a beautiful carbon copy of his living brother.
I think nothing in life can prepare us for having to hold
a stillborn child. And there is no peace for anyone who has to do those
things apart from God. Knowing that God is the caretaker of my son gives me
peace. Knowing that my son, although never seeing my husband, his brother or
me, now sees the face of God, and will never feel the pains of this earth,
gives me peace. I know someday my husband and I will see my son again and I
pray his brother and now little sister will one day also meet him in heaven.
I went back a week later and the ultrasound showed a baby about five weeks gestational age, the same size as the last visit. It was at that point that I think I knew that the baby was not going to make it. How could that baby be the same age as a week ago?
Rachel
It was a Thursday morning and I was set to speak at a
chapel for middle school kids. Before I
left I took a pregnancy test, on a whim, but kept my expectations low. We had been trying to get pregnant for over 9
months, to no avail, so I went through this disappointing dance often. I
learned to shut off emotions when the test came back negative. This time, however, there were two lines. I felt the most exhilarating joy I had ever
known. Life changed in 5 seconds. Quickly, things would never be the same. I showed Sean and he about passed out. We stared at each other. We laughed and he left for work. Throughout the day we texted back and forth, sent emails
to each other and shared our excitement over the phone. Thrilled was an understatement.
5 weeks later we walked to our car and cried. Both of us.
I had never seen Sean cry like this. In fact, I couldn't remember the
last time I had seen him cry at all.
When you don't hear your baby's heartbeat, it's like your own heart is
ripped from inside of you and shattered into a million pieces. A piece of you dies along with your
baby. No one can make you feel better. No meal can warm your heart and no card can make the pain
disappear.
Knowing you have a child in heaven is a bit like knowing
you have a daughter or son in another country that is happy, thriving and
fulfilled. You will never meet them, hug
them or see their skin. You can't smell
them for feel them in your arms and what hurts the very most is that they are
so happy and you are so, so sad. It's the
most bizarre feeling in all the world.
Isolating too.
At times, when the pain overwhelms me, I reign in my hurt
for a moment and remember the only promise that keeps me from going crazy. The promise of life everlasting. Christ promises us a life that is abundant
and one day... soon ... I will meet, run to, and hug my baby.
Until then, I will remember that losing my baby is part
of the Lord's plan and purpose.
His ways are simply not our ways. Which is good.
Andrea
When
my husband and I decided to have another baby we thought it would be just like
the first time. We would try, I would
get pregnant, and then have a baby nine months later. Well, it did not go according to that
perfect plan.
When
I found out I was pregnant I didn’t really feel pregnant but chalked that up to it being really
early. Then I started bleeding and I
knew in my heart that something was not right. They did
an ultrasound in the office and said they saw a baby with a faint heartbeat. I was very
happy that they saw an actual living baby.
I went back a week later and the ultrasound showed a baby about five weeks gestational age, the same size as the last visit. It was at that point that I think I knew that the baby was not going to make it. How could that baby be the same age as a week ago?
Well,
that week while going to the bathroom I am pretty sure that I miscarried the
baby. Looking back I wish I would have
looked more closely but I just flushed the toilet and tried to be in
denial. I did not want to believe that
it was really over. When I went back to
the doctors they could not find a baby. I decided to
allow my body to miscarry naturally. I
started bleeding and continued to bleed for a whole week. When I went to my check-up the doctor
informed me that I was getting an infection and needed to have a D&C that
day and they were going to admit me to the hospital.
That
is when I truly lost it. I started sobbing. Wasn’t it enough that I
lost my baby… now I had to have surgery on top of that? So I went in, had the
surgery and came home.
Sometimes
I wonder what it would be like if we had that baby. However, when we tried again it took us two months of trying and then
nine months later we had a healthy baby boy who I cannot imagine our life
without. God always has a plan for us
that we may never fully understand, but this whole experience has taught me to
trust Him no matter what.