My story


The day after I delivered my son Matthew I said to the Lord, "This has to be bigger than me losing a baby.  I am not the first mother to lose a child and I will not be the last.  Use this to change me forever, and show me how You can be glorified in all of the pain."

Five years later, He answered the cry of my heart, and Joy Comes in the Morning was born.  My deepest prayer is that you will find encouragement and comfort here ... and more than anything else, you will find your way to the cross ~ where the Savior waits to make you whole again.

From the heart of a mother who understands your grief,  Michelle

Matthew Isaac 
delivered March 14, 2006 3:45 a.m. 
he weighed 4 ounces and was 6-1/2 inches long 
He now rests in the arms of the Lord in the majesty of heaven. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

Thank you, Lord, for Your goodness to us.

March 14, 2006

At 3:45 in the morning, today, you were delivered.  Your daddy, Aunt Demma and Aunt Ginger were with me ~ their support, hugs, laughter and prayers were an incredible blessing for my heart as I had to deliver you ~ my fourth child ~ who had already gone HOME to be with the Lord.

You are my fourth son - a boy!  Your name is Matthew Isaac Eastman.  Matthew means “gift from God" and Isaac means "laughter".  What a precious, precious gift it was from the Lord to know you are a boy.  Your identity and individuality are so important to me.

Your brothers are grieving the loss of you ~ they will never be able to hold you, kiss your face, teach you to play baseball, build with Lego's or just laugh uncontrollably with you.  But one day, they will see their little brother face to face in the glory and splendor of heaven.  How they will run to you, Matthew!

You were so wanted ~ you were so loved ~ and you are so missed.

One of our best friends, Bruce Garner, is coming to dedicate you to the Lord.  He is a pastor, a man of character and a dear friend who loves us.  There is no one else we would want to stand with us as we commit your little life to the Living God.

I love you, Matthew.  It was so hard to see you ~ so tiny ~ so fragile.  I could not hug you or kiss you or touch you the way a mother longs to do with her child.  All I could do was hold your tiny form and look at the beautiful design of God's hand ~ every part of you was fully formed.  Your hands and feet had little fingers and toes smaller than grains of rice.  Your little mouth was in the shape of a circle as if you were singing.  I saw your knees, your arms, your face ~ there is not a part of you that my eyes missed, though swimming in tears.  My teeny tiny perfect baby who was taken home early in our time but perfectly in the Lord's.

What a treasure for my heart to keep, knowing that you have seen the eyes of the Father!  Your eyes have beheld heaven in all of its glory.  I can't wait for you to show me your favorite places! 

They just brought you to us.  Just watching them push you towards me made my heart leap ~ my baby, my son, is with me again.  Though I know it is simply a shell, it is hard to let you go.  I want you with me forever.

Thank you, Matthew Isaac, for giving us 112 days of joy and hope and love.  The Lord formed you.  He knew you before you were conceived and He numbered your days ... though we would ask for a million more, these days have been precious.  Every change in my body, every change in yours thrilled my heart and made me love you more.

I love you, my son, my baby, my child ...
                                    forever and always, Mommy


To understand my personal walk through miscarriage and healing, you are welcome to read more of my story here.


Our loss through the eyes of my husband, and best friend. 

I recall very clearly the day you, the love of my life, my bride, my life confident, came home and sobbed in my arms for days.  I remember the look of pain on your countenance (not "Why God?") but anguish for our baby, not even for yourself, for our baby.  And there was nothing I could do to stave off this painful heart-wrenching event.  Nothing.  Completely powerless to bring my fourth child back to life, all I could do was watch, pray, and cry with you over this great and significant loss.

As we waited together through the last part of Thursday and then Friday to see a confirmed heartbeat, we were met only with a dark spot on the ultrasound where a vibrant heart once was beating.  I have often said to you during your days of pre-natal office visits, "I could listen to that sound all day long."  But now, only silence.

"Monday.  You will deliver your child on Monday."  The sad voice of our OB doctor confirmed the worst.  Our baby was with the Lord, and you now will deliver a lifeless little body.

The waiting weekend descended upon us like a fog of grief.  "Lord, You can bring back my baby."  But He did not.  As the weekend became Monday morning I remember not knowing what to do or say to you about our baby.  We had told Micah, Luke, and Caleb and they were very sad and tearful.  Going to the hospital to meet Dr. Baick and then up to L&D for induction of our baby who was already with Jesus was surreal.  You were a picture of resolved serenity.  Truly a woman whose faith is real and mature.

Holding the little body of my baby - a SON! - in the palm of my hand, his little mouth in the shape of an "O", was heart-wrenching and altogether indescribable.  Even today when Caleb recites Psalm 139 and speaks of being knit together in the womb ... I think of our son Matthew.
 


The Lord has grown you into an amazing woman who has a heart for Him and for others.  Your passion for the Lord may be unsurpassed by anyone I have known.  God has allowed you this scar so you will cling ever more tightly to Him, and draw close and see that He is good and that His strength is enough ... especially when we are most pathetic, weak, and powerless to change ourselves or the situation.  I am eager to see your ministry in action.  You are a testament to God's grace.  Love, D