Accepting help

When someone has not lost a baby, or has a completely different story than ours, it can sometimes feel like no one is saying the right thing ... doing "enough" ... understanding us ... or offering the comfort we so desperately crave.

The truth is, just as every person grieves differently, so every person comforts in a way that makes sense to them.  Their motives are pure ~ they simply want to make our pain go away and bring joy back into our lives.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it just seems ridiculous.  But weren't we there once too?  Before I lost my son I thought I was a good friend to those who miscarried.  But once the pain belonged to me, I realized that I had fallen short more than once.

Try to see each person as one who is offering love, support, and concern ~ the only way they know how.  Accept their efforts with grace, and let the Lord fill in the gaps.

These thoughts are not original ... they are from the hearts of many who grieve as they reflect on those dark days.  Accept their counsel and remember ~ people are trying to love you.  


So let them. 


~ People are afraid to ask you about your loss for fear they will make you cry.  If they make the effort, encourage them, and let them fumble.

~ No one connected with baby like you did ~ they never saw/touched/played with him/her.  As the mom, your bond is priceless, personal, private.  No one will ever love or care for your baby like you do.  People are not insensitive or mean ... they just aren't you.

~ You need to find a handful of people you trust and love to say ‘Please ASK ME how I am doing – do not worry about my response ... if I cry, I needed to cry.  It’s okay.”

~ Those who have never lost a baby are at a loss of what to do/say. Let them try, and accept their attempts with gentleness.  They are doing the best they can.

~ Some of your friends, and even your own family, will not meet your needs, whether by choice or by neglect.  You have to choose:  approach them and tell them you are hurt and need them, or let it go.  The longer you try to live in the middle, the more frustrated and hurt you will become.  Your heart has enough work to do just healing itself ... do not let bitterness take root and cause confusion and hate.  No one is perfect, and everyone needs grace.  Be honest, be patient, and seek to understand before walking away angry.  You cannot be alone right now.  You need people ~ even imperfect ones.

~ Be willing to be vulnerable and honest and say, "I need to talk about my son. I need you to ask about my daughter."  No one can read your mind ~ you have to tell them you need them.  Your husband.  Your sister.  Your best friend.  They will not know what you need or how to minister to you unless you tell them.

~ There is no rule book for grief.  Whether you lost your baby at five weeks or 35 weeks, your child is gone.  Your pain is real.  It does not matter if anyone else understands or approves ~ if your heart heals in one weekend or you cry every day for a year, it is what you need to do.  Do not be afraid of emotion.  The Lord knows your every thought and He sees each tear that falls.  Cry out to Him ~ forget about everyone and everything else and listen to His voice.  The still, small voice full of promises and truth.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18